The Lost Month

The other night it hit me that besides my upcoming surgery, I have nothing to do fertility wise right now. It kinda freaked me out. I've been struggling the past few days to sort out my feelings and get back on track. I've just been sad the past couple of days. Here's what I wrote this afternoon about what I've been thinking about...

As I tried to sleep the other night

my worries began to mount.

I confided in my husband, 

I need something to count!

I'm used to counting lab numbers,

eggs and weeks and days.

What I really should count are my blessings

God has shown us in this phase.

I began to feel the need to measure, 

but there's nothing there to see.

Instead I'll measure my growing faith

in the immeasurable love God has for me.

I'm used to turning to my calendar

and adding something new.

But I need to seek what God has planned

and what He wants me to do!

So in these next few months

with no counting, measurements, or a date

I need to seek God's heart and plan

and praise Him as I WAIT.


Be still before the LORD and
WAIT patiently for Him. Psalm 37:7a

 

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

 

Easter Weekend

This weekend was super busy, but super fun! Friday night we canceled PTT, so I got to see how great First Fridays are downtown. Before I went there, I went to Harvestfield to watch my Ashley give a great testimony about what God is doing in her life. 

I'm so proud of you, Ash!

Their Good Friday service was wonderful!

Saturday we celebrated the return of John and Margaret by having around 40 people at our house for a cookout. My husband spent all day on the grill! 2 racks of ribs, 2 Boston butts, and a turkey...whew! We had a fantastic time and I'm so glad they are back. 

Easter was great. Early service at RPC and then off to Mom's. Here are some pics...

I hope everyone had a great Easter by celebrating our Risen Savior. 

Happy Monday!

Phone Appointment and Many Thanks

This morning I had a "phone appointment" with Dr. Long. I was anxious to talk to him because I wanted to know what my timeline is looking like to start IVF. He said that my surgery will be April 27th and that he wants to bring some of his equipment to Trinity (can't have it at Brookwood because of my lovely insurance). They are using a robot (typically used for cardiac surgery) to work on all the endometriosis so they can reach it all and get it outta there! They will also have the technology to stitch my ovaries back up after they work on them. I don't care what they do, just get it out!

Bad News: I asked him when we would be able to start the IVF drugs.......the second or third week in June :( After crying at my desk for a while I had to come to grips that I've waited this long, what's a couple more months, right? For now, starting the Birth Control Pills and trying to stay sane...whew!

I need to take a second and give a big shout out to all of you and to all my friends/family here in Gadsden. First off, thank you to all you "blogger" girls for all of your sweet comments yesterday. It means a lot that I have you sweet gals (from all over!) praying for me. Thank you to all my family and friends here for all of your support and love and always being willing to be my sounding board with all of these decisions we've been making! 

I told my mom today how very blessed I am to have the best friends in the whole world. We were talking about my small group girls and a funny thing that happened on Monday night. My friend Kala asked me if I had ever considered surrogacy and the whole room dissolved into laughter :) First, my sweet Lea raised her hand with a "I talked to Stephen about it over a year ago!" Then, Marianna confessed that she asked to do it on a weekly basis! My Lexie then said that her husband had already okay'ed it! So, there ya go. Three extra wombs in one room! My cup overflows with you, girls!

(These are just a few of my fabulous girls...)

Most of all, thank you to my husband. Mostly for not putting me out on the side of the road, but for always be supportive. Thank you for being the spiritual leader of our household and approaching our situation as a godly man. I love you more than you will ever know. 

Ok, enough of the sappy stuff ;) This past weekend I had the responsibility privilege to dog-sit my brother with fur, Kipper. He missed our Mommy, but he was very entertaining. Kicking my husband out of bed, refusing to eat, and last but not least, getting in the shower with Katie. Thanks for a great weekend, Kip!

Have a wonderful evening!

Getting Back on the Wagon...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've still been reading everyone else's blogs, but have not updated my own! I've had writer's block since Friday. My small group girls walked in last night with me staring at a blank screen. I didn't know how to put into words the emotions I have right now. 

My appointment Friday morning did not go well. Thankfully (even though it's tax season!), My husband was able to go with me. Which is a good, because he could drive me home. I don't do well drivin' and cryin'! For an hour we were able to hash out what we heard. 1. My endometriomas have grown = they could be doing damage to my ovaries. 2. The lining of my uterus was three times the thickness it should be = nothing could implant. 3. My pain is back = endometriosis is growing like kudzu. 

We have come to a fork in the road. My body is getting gunked up so fast with these drugs that I only have a few chances to conceive. So, the nurse practitioner suggested what we dread...IVF. She said that my best chances would be immediately after the surgery. 

I'm so tired. My husband looked at me last month and said, "You want to want to quit so bad." It has been 30 months. 2 1/2 years. 30 "No's" He pointed out to me why we've been so hesitant regarding IVF: If it fails, that will feel like the ultimate "no" for a biological child. No..You may never carry a child. No...You may never see your husband's blue eyes in your child looking back at you. No...You may never have stories of morning sickness or of the first time you felt your baby move inside of you. It would be the biggest NO we've ever received. 

My surgery to remove all my possible endometriosis,  polyps, and cysts will be on April 27th. One month from today. I will be on birth control pills until then. We have decisions to pray over and to make, but I believe we are both leaning towards the IVF. We would have no regrets. We tried it all. We gave it our best shot. 

BUT, if IVF fails, THEN God will show Himself to be sufficient. Isn't that what He promised? I can no longer feel responsible for the "how." As I learned last night in my Bible study, It's hard being an infertile woman, but it is TRUST that turns it around. The Lord knows how our story will end and He is sustaining us through the wait. 

What is waiting? Is is just passing the time? No, waiting includes a longing. Isaiah 30:18 says "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." The word "longs" and the word "wait" are technically the same word. The English Standard Version says, "The Lord waits.....blessed are those who wait." God is waiting, too. Beth Moore said last night that "God patience always involves His Passion." How do you balance passion with patience? I believe that God has a plan and I have got to keep my eyes open to know what we need to do this month. Now just in regards to IVF, but why am I here this month?

So, I will wait and God will sustain me. The Lord longs for us. Not just for our wait to end and our destiny to be fulfilled, but He longs for a relationship with His children. So, here's a question for you? Are you waiting? Not just for a child, but are you waiting on something? Well, God is waiting, too. He seeks your heart and longs for His children to know Him more. My husband is studying Romans right now and I asked him last night, "Why do we pray for God's will to be done? It's God, of course it will be done." So, we decided that this month we will pray "God let my heart be content if your will is not the same as my will... as your will is done." 

I pray that I will have patience with passion this month. That I can daily give this burden to God and try to seek His heart and be reminded every day that He is enough...He is enough...He is enough...

Girfriend Gala 2010

We had sooooo much fun at Girlfriend Gala! My mom and my Oma sat at our table with me and my friends, Ashley, Jennifer, Lea, Lexie, and Katie. We loved looking at all the other tables...but we know whose was the best ;)Our Table "Art in the City"

"My Girlfriends"

Katie and Oma singing German cheers

160+ Paintbrushes (and A LOT of hot glue and glitter!)

Ash and Lea with "serious faces"

My Paint The Town Girlfriends

Mom, Oma, and I
Me and My Ashey
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!!

Project is Underway...

Our "tablescape" (as Sandra Lee would say) is almost complete.....
And to think it started out as this..........Have a lovely Sunday evening!

GFG 2010 is Coming Up!!!

I'm ready for Tuesday to get here. Tuesday will be day one and I know it's coming and wish it would just get here! Yuck! I have really enjoyed this month without meds. I have really felt like myself again! I just hate that it's over and the 30th month of trying has past. BUT.....

This week went by very quickly!
Last night at Paint The Town was fun!
We painted the "Songbird" again and we had a very
special guest.....the "other" RachelP !!Thanks for coming and bringing your friends, Rachel!
I hope ya'll had fun!

This week we have "Girlfriend Gala 2010". It benefits Success by Six and The Dolly Parton Imagination Library. We are constructing our table decorations this weekend and it should be very interesting. Our table name is "Art in the City". Last year was so much fun!! Here are some pics from our table last year at GFG 2009!

(BTW: At GFG, the crazier and bigger the table ...the better!!!)

"Esmerelda" on the Paint The Town Table!

Two of my Best "Girlfriends" My Mom and Oma!


My PTT Girlfriends....Lexie and Katie!

Cheers!

Have A Sunny Saturday!!