Phone Appointment and Many Thanks

This morning I had a "phone appointment" with Dr. Long. I was anxious to talk to him because I wanted to know what my timeline is looking like to start IVF. He said that my surgery will be April 27th and that he wants to bring some of his equipment to Trinity (can't have it at Brookwood because of my lovely insurance). They are using a robot (typically used for cardiac surgery) to work on all the endometriosis so they can reach it all and get it outta there! They will also have the technology to stitch my ovaries back up after they work on them. I don't care what they do, just get it out!

Bad News: I asked him when we would be able to start the IVF drugs.......the second or third week in June :( After crying at my desk for a while I had to come to grips that I've waited this long, what's a couple more months, right? For now, starting the Birth Control Pills and trying to stay sane...whew!

I need to take a second and give a big shout out to all of you and to all my friends/family here in Gadsden. First off, thank you to all you "blogger" girls for all of your sweet comments yesterday. It means a lot that I have you sweet gals (from all over!) praying for me. Thank you to all my family and friends here for all of your support and love and always being willing to be my sounding board with all of these decisions we've been making! 

I told my mom today how very blessed I am to have the best friends in the whole world. We were talking about my small group girls and a funny thing that happened on Monday night. My friend Kala asked me if I had ever considered surrogacy and the whole room dissolved into laughter :) First, my sweet Lea raised her hand with a "I talked to Stephen about it over a year ago!" Then, Marianna confessed that she asked to do it on a weekly basis! My Lexie then said that her husband had already okay'ed it! So, there ya go. Three extra wombs in one room! My cup overflows with you, girls!

(These are just a few of my fabulous girls...)

Most of all, thank you to my husband. Mostly for not putting me out on the side of the road, but for always be supportive. Thank you for being the spiritual leader of our household and approaching our situation as a godly man. I love you more than you will ever know. 

Ok, enough of the sappy stuff ;) This past weekend I had the responsibility privilege to dog-sit my brother with fur, Kipper. He missed our Mommy, but he was very entertaining. Kicking my husband out of bed, refusing to eat, and last but not least, getting in the shower with Katie. Thanks for a great weekend, Kip!

Have a wonderful evening!

Getting Back on the Wagon...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've still been reading everyone else's blogs, but have not updated my own! I've had writer's block since Friday. My small group girls walked in last night with me staring at a blank screen. I didn't know how to put into words the emotions I have right now. 

My appointment Friday morning did not go well. Thankfully (even though it's tax season!), My husband was able to go with me. Which is a good, because he could drive me home. I don't do well drivin' and cryin'! For an hour we were able to hash out what we heard. 1. My endometriomas have grown = they could be doing damage to my ovaries. 2. The lining of my uterus was three times the thickness it should be = nothing could implant. 3. My pain is back = endometriosis is growing like kudzu. 

We have come to a fork in the road. My body is getting gunked up so fast with these drugs that I only have a few chances to conceive. So, the nurse practitioner suggested what we dread...IVF. She said that my best chances would be immediately after the surgery. 

I'm so tired. My husband looked at me last month and said, "You want to want to quit so bad." It has been 30 months. 2 1/2 years. 30 "No's" He pointed out to me why we've been so hesitant regarding IVF: If it fails, that will feel like the ultimate "no" for a biological child. No..You may never carry a child. No...You may never see your husband's blue eyes in your child looking back at you. No...You may never have stories of morning sickness or of the first time you felt your baby move inside of you. It would be the biggest NO we've ever received. 

My surgery to remove all my possible endometriosis,  polyps, and cysts will be on April 27th. One month from today. I will be on birth control pills until then. We have decisions to pray over and to make, but I believe we are both leaning towards the IVF. We would have no regrets. We tried it all. We gave it our best shot. 

BUT, if IVF fails, THEN God will show Himself to be sufficient. Isn't that what He promised? I can no longer feel responsible for the "how." As I learned last night in my Bible study, It's hard being an infertile woman, but it is TRUST that turns it around. The Lord knows how our story will end and He is sustaining us through the wait. 

What is waiting? Is is just passing the time? No, waiting includes a longing. Isaiah 30:18 says "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." The word "longs" and the word "wait" are technically the same word. The English Standard Version says, "The Lord waits.....blessed are those who wait." God is waiting, too. Beth Moore said last night that "God patience always involves His Passion." How do you balance passion with patience? I believe that God has a plan and I have got to keep my eyes open to know what we need to do this month. Now just in regards to IVF, but why am I here this month?

So, I will wait and God will sustain me. The Lord longs for us. Not just for our wait to end and our destiny to be fulfilled, but He longs for a relationship with His children. So, here's a question for you? Are you waiting? Not just for a child, but are you waiting on something? Well, God is waiting, too. He seeks your heart and longs for His children to know Him more. My husband is studying Romans right now and I asked him last night, "Why do we pray for God's will to be done? It's God, of course it will be done." So, we decided that this month we will pray "God let my heart be content if your will is not the same as my will... as your will is done." 

I pray that I will have patience with passion this month. That I can daily give this burden to God and try to seek His heart and be reminded every day that He is enough...He is enough...He is enough...

Girfriend Gala 2010

We had sooooo much fun at Girlfriend Gala! My mom and my Oma sat at our table with me and my friends, Ashley, Jennifer, Lea, Lexie, and Katie. We loved looking at all the other tables...but we know whose was the best ;)Our Table "Art in the City"

"My Girlfriends"

Katie and Oma singing German cheers

160+ Paintbrushes (and A LOT of hot glue and glitter!)

Ash and Lea with "serious faces"

My Paint The Town Girlfriends

Mom, Oma, and I
Me and My Ashey
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!!

Project is Underway...

Our "tablescape" (as Sandra Lee would say) is almost complete.....
And to think it started out as this..........Have a lovely Sunday evening!

GFG 2010 is Coming Up!!!

I'm ready for Tuesday to get here. Tuesday will be day one and I know it's coming and wish it would just get here! Yuck! I have really enjoyed this month without meds. I have really felt like myself again! I just hate that it's over and the 30th month of trying has past. BUT.....

This week went by very quickly!
Last night at Paint The Town was fun!
We painted the "Songbird" again and we had a very
special guest.....the "other" RachelP !!Thanks for coming and bringing your friends, Rachel!
I hope ya'll had fun!

This week we have "Girlfriend Gala 2010". It benefits Success by Six and The Dolly Parton Imagination Library. We are constructing our table decorations this weekend and it should be very interesting. Our table name is "Art in the City". Last year was so much fun!! Here are some pics from our table last year at GFG 2009!

(BTW: At GFG, the crazier and bigger the table ...the better!!!)

"Esmerelda" on the Paint The Town Table!

Two of my Best "Girlfriends" My Mom and Oma!


My PTT Girlfriends....Lexie and Katie!

Cheers!

Have A Sunny Saturday!!

Busy, Busy, and Branson!!

I think Ashley is going to spank me if I don't blog soon, so here's some stuff we've been up too...Last week we went to Mardi Gras Magic to support The Family Success Center and had tons of fun (and got to wear the fun stuff they put on the table for us!)

Good Food, Good Friends, Good Fun....

Then, I did a random, spontaneous thing that I would have NEVER gotten to do on an "on" month...I went to Branson to visit my friends, John and Margaret (and sweet baby Charlie)! They moved up there for a couple of months and my friends, Lea and Stephen, and I were missing them too badly and decided to go and visit! We ate and talked and ate some more! So fun!

This little piggy came to finish Stephen's breakfast!


Margaret wants to move into this restaurant!

Have a wonderful Tuesday night!

Bye Bye Beard!

So my husband decided last month to grow a beard. I have known him since we were kids and I've NEVER seen him with any kind of facial hair. His explanation..."I just wanted to see if I could do it." Well, he did and unfortunately his mother and myself are the only 2 people who didn't like it. I guess we both love his baby face (awww...)

The strangest thing about the beard is that it is RED! After it had grown out well, he began getting some white whiskers in it so his friends started calling it "Fire and Ice" :) He told me last week that he was "over it" so he decided to shave it Friday night. I did get some pictures as evidence....

It must have been "plaid night" at the Pugh household"Fire and Ice"

When I asked him why he was "over it" he told me that his new clients would think that he had a beard. I informed him that he had a beard. What he meant was that they would think that he always had a beard and wouldn't recognize him or would think he looked weird without it.

I don't care...It's gone. I love you, Sweetie!

Wait

Still in Esther...and loving it. Our video was great last night and of course it was so pertinent to our current situation. It was about waiting. Beth Moore said that one of the most important concepts of providence in Esther is time and she stressed the importance of knowing when it's "time" and when it's "time to wait". And waiting appears to be something everyone around me is dealing with.

We all seem to be waiting on something. Some of us are waiting on a baby, some of us are waiting on a mate, some of us are waiting to graduate, to find a job, to get buy a house, to get a raise, and some of us are just waiting on the new season of Glee to start (I just slipped that one in to make sure you were paying attention, but I can't wait!) But what are we really waiting on? An event? A thing? A person? OR are we waiting on the Lord?

She made a statement that I'm going to have to adopt. We need to know that the "meantime" is "God-time". What does Isaiah 40:31 say? The NIV says hope, the KJV says WAIT. When we wait in the Lord what happens? The Lord will renew our strength. If we are waiting for an event or thing, we are not putting our trust in God and what His plan is for our lives and our strength will start to fade because we will be constantly disappointed! If we can just take a step back and wait on HIM and HIS time - that is when we can "run and not grow weary."

Here are some "waits" in scripture...

WAIT for the LORD, be strong and take heart and
WAIT for the LORD - Psalms 27:14
Be still before the LORD and
WAIT patiently for Him. Psalm 37:7a
WAIT for the LORD and keep his way. Psalms 37:34a
I WAIT for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord and my God. Psalms 38:15
I WAIT for the LORD, my soul WAITS,
and in His word I put my hope.
My soul WAITS for the LORD
more than watchmen wait for the morning...Psalm 130:5-6a
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who WAIT for Him. Isaiah 30:18b
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will WAIT for him." Lamentations 3:24

I hope that when you find yourself in a season of waiting (like Esther did to reveal Haman's evil plan to Xerxes), I pray that some of these verses ring in your ears. What am I waiting on? Am I waiting on MY plan to go my way? Or am I waiting on the Lord to reveal his perfectly timed plan for my life?

Thank you for joining me in our season of waiting and have a wonderful Tuesday night!

Mundane Monday

I have really been slacking on the blogging front! How is it that my calendar has been full, but I don't have much to blog about?

This weekend was fun and relaxing. Friday night we painted beautiful tulips.... at Paint The Town and I got caught up on my DVR when I got home. (I'm like a little kid...I love staying up late!) Saturday morning I slept until ELEVEN! Yes! Then hung out with my mom at the store and went to Bham with my husband later to shop some more :) Sunday was wonderful with church and helping my mom bring "Spring" to the store (with a little help from Ashley, thanks girl!)

Today was normal and uneventful. I bought my ovulation monitor yesterday (today is day 14) and started using it this morning. I forgot about using those things! Now I'm waiting on my small group to arrive at my house.

This month has been wonderful so far on the fertility front. My calendar is not full of numbers and I feel like I can really take a step back and enjoy "normal" life. I even booked plane tickets for our August beach vacation last night! How's that for not letting it control my life?

Interesting quotes on Faith.....

"O people of God, be great believers! Little faith will bring your souls to heaven, but GREAT faith will bring heaven to your souls." Charles Spurgeon

"Faith does not say, "I see this good for me; therefore, God must have sent it. " Instead, faith declares, "God sent it; therefore it most be good for me." Phillips Brooks

Happy Monday!

JCAHO, Jewelry, and Jesus...

So we had a "mock survey" with Joint Commission today at my lovely workplace. This is the time of year when I wake up in a cold sweat because I can't remember the acronym for using a fire extinguisher (Which by the way is PASS - Pull, Aim, Squeeze, Sweep...thank you, thank you...) and trying to figure out how that paperback book wandered into my therapy room (only board books or books with plastic pages allowed!)
So anyway, they came by while I was in my therapy room so I didn't have to talk to them (YEA!!) However, the head injured teenager in my room was very amused that my ear was pressed against the door trying to hear what they were saying! We did great and I'm glad that's over with...until the real surveyors show up!

Tonight was fun. I went with my friend Lea to a Premier Jewelry party. I got some little gold cross earrings and some pretty coral earrings. I'm thinking I may have one of these parties sometime, because #1 Some of the money goes to missions, #2 The jewelry is not that expensive, and #3 I just like to see my friends and get together :) So watch out Gadsden friends, we may be getting together soon for jewelry!

My other recent purchase was the other day when I was shopping for sweet Cy's birthday party. I know that technically I don't have a child to read this to yet, but I bought it for me.

It is the The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His NameThis is the sweetest Bible I have every read. It weaves Jesus into every story (the subtitle is "Every story whispers his name") and tells the Old and New Testament as an adventure story. (From Page 18)..."It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne - everything - to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life! You see, the best thing about this Story is - it's true."

The illustrations are beautiful and the stories come alive. It puts things into a perspective that I never thought about. My husband and I were reading the "A Terrible Lie" chapter (AKA: The Garden of Eden) and I never realized that Adam and Eve tried to HIDE from God. This would really relate to a child because what do kids do when they know they've messed up? They go and hide! It told about how hurt God was when they had sinned and how he still loved them with a "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love."

I love, love, love this book! So, when your shopping for that next baby shower, pick up this book and get a copy for yourself, too!

Happy Thursday!

Moving from "If Only"...

If you are going down this road of infertility and haven't signed up for the Sarah's Laughter newsletter, I highly recommend it.

Last Friday was the other Old Testament world rocking :) It spoke about the "If Only" mentality that it is so hard to break away from when you are waiting for a baby.

• If only I'd gone to the doctor earlier...
• If only I had taken better care of my body...
• If only I'd served God more faithfully....
• If only....

Then the newsletter told this story...

Journey back in time with me and let’s slip through the door of an Egyptian throne room. One very powerful man stands with tear-swollen eyes looking at 11 terrified men who are witnessing the most mind-blowing theatrics they could have ever imagined! Joseph reveals his identity to the brothers who threw him into a pit and sold him into slavery when he was just a skinny, gangly 17 year old boy. Now he’s second in command of Egypt!
What would be their fate?
Joseph’s brothers stand before him trembling because they know he has the authority to do with them as he wishes. Now is the chance for him to destroy them for all the heartache they caused in his life. What was his response to them?

“Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.” (Genesis 45:5)

And just so you don’t think that Joseph’s extension of mercy was just a momentary, emotional response, flip over to Genesis 50:20. He’s speaking to his brothers at the death of their father. They are afraid that Joseph will take revenge on them now that their father is not around to witness it. Joseph once again looks at them and says “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Genesis 50:20)

What? Why such gracious responses? Come on! Admit it! You wanted to hear him say something like “If only you had gotten me out of the pit, I’d save you now! But you really blew it this time, buddy! Let’s see how you like prison food!” How was Joseph able to grant such mercy and grace?

It’s really quite simple. Joseph changed the “if only…”s in his life to “had it not been…”s.

• Had it not been for his brothers throwing him in a pit and selling him into slavery, he would never have gotten to Egypt.
• Had it not been for Joseph being in Egypt, he would never have been placed in Potiphar’s home.
• Had it not been for the time he spent in Potiphar’s home, he would never have been wrongly accused of a sexual crime and thrown in prison.
• Had it not been for his imprisonment, Joseph would have never met Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker, whose dreams he was meant to interpret.
• Had it not been for interpreting the dreams of Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker, Joseph would never have been able to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams.
• Had it not been for interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams, Joseph would never have risen to second in command over Egypt.
• Had it not been for Joseph rising to power, he would have never been in a position to save the same family members who threw him into a pit years before.

When you reach the resolution of your infertility story, may you watch the parade of “if only…”s become a beautiful display of “had it not been…”s:

Don’t let Satan convince you that difficult situations mean God isn’t working and moving. He’s working through the celebrations. He’s working through your tears.

So, I've started my "Had it not been.."s

• Had it not been for infertility, my marriage would not be like it is today (stronger and more faith-based)
• Had it not been for infertility, I would have not experienced the comfort of God in great trials.
• Had it not been for infertility, I would have never understood what it felt like to be in a situation that you never feel control over and learned to empathize with people - not just infertile people, but other groups like people who are single!
  
• Had it not been for infertility, I would have never started this blog.
  
• Had it not been for infertility, we would never have sought God and His will for our lives the way we have!
• Had it not been...

Have you had a situation (even if it's not fertility related!) that you have/need to move your attitude from "If only" to "Had it not been"?

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Face the Fear

Don't you love it when Old Testament characters rock your world?

Last night we watched our Beth Moore "Esther" video (Session 4) and she was talking about Esther facing her fear of approaching the king without being summoned (because if he didn't extend his scepter = death). She told an interesting fact about the Bible. The most common command was:

"Don't be afraid!"

Esther said in 4:16 "If I perish, I perish".

What are we afraid of?

Beth Moore had us fill in the blanks...

"And if ___________, then _________"

The answer to the second blank HAS to be GOD. My God will take care of me!

"And if I can't have a baby, then I'll get out of bed and My God will take care of me!

"And if I'm not pregnant this month, then God has a plan!"

"And if I'm not meant to be a mother, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me!"

"And if my marriage suffers through a lack of children, then God's going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me!"

Let me tell you, I'm the first to not make these "then's" be the first "then's".

My first "then" will probably be:

• cry my eyes out
• not want to get out of bed
• whine, wail, and pray

But THEN......GOD!

Happy Tuesday and I'll tell you the rest later :)

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands!
Psalm 138:8