Processing, Processing....

Thank you for all of your information! I feel so very blessed to have a community of people to bounce ideas off of and hear about common experiences, etc. We are exploring all kinds of options right now, but here's an update....

• Dr. Long (himself) called me yesterday afternoon. He explained what the high FSH means which is basically that I may have a low ovarian reserve (AKA: not a lot of eggs). However, he did say that this would not have an effect on the quality, just the quantity. He said that the experts say that your ovarian reserve is only as good as your highest FSH level. If that is the case, I am in deep trouble :( 

• He did direct me to a program that has a 3 round IVF program that is shared risk that everyone gets accepted into. This is ARC Fertility and I called them this afternoon. I've been on their website today and saw the application that you submit. I tried to get the lady on the phone to give me a range of what this could cost (everyone's is different) and she wouldn't even give me a range. Check this out: You have to pay $75 to apply just to find out what your cost would be. If you do it, the $75 is applied to your cost, if you don't...you are out $75. What??
• I have checked out some other clinics that have shared risk IVF programs, but all of them (including Shady Grove) require normal day 3 bloodwork. I don't have normal 3 day bloodwork. 
• I got my packet from Fertility Lifelines today. We will not qualify for their compassion drug program because of our income. We are in such a catch 22...We make too much money to get free drugs, but we don't make enough to comfortably drop that much money on drugs. 
• I have some leads on some local TCM providers, but I still need to make some phone calls. We do have an opportunity to see the one that my friend saw in Florida, but we still need to work out details. 
• All the places on the internet that have grants, etc that you can apply for are not local enough for us to get or we don't qualify because of our income. 

So, that's kind of where we are right now. I feel like I need a day off just to make phone calls!

In non fertility news, I'm going to see "Date Night" tonight so I'm ready to laugh! Other good news...Joint Commission has left our hospital, so no one is going to corner me and ask me how to work a fire extinguisher or what the patient national safety goals are...whew! Other fun stuff, our new Paint The Town paintings are up for June...only two classes. We are busy girls! Here they are...

 

 Vase of Sunflowers - June 4th

 Fun in the Sun-June 25th

I hope everyone has a great night and thank you again SOOOO much for all your invaluable information! :)

Disappointed

Worst fears confirmed. We did not get accepted into the shared risk program. Options now:

1. Continue with the IVF program and just do one round. I feel that if we do that, we can say that we have "tried it all". It will, however, be a very large investment with no guarantees. 
2. Go a different direction with Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). We have some friends who had success with this, but they lived in Florida and I don't know who in North Alabama we could go to for it.
3. Try on our own. Who knows? 
4. Start the adoption process.

Ok, girls. You were all SO helpful with the drug information, etc that I asked for...so, here's your new task.

1. We are currently at ART at Brookwood. They rejected me because of 2 high FSH levels (I thought it was one, but it was two). Do you know of anywhere else in Birmingham that does not have as strict of a policy in regards to IVF shared risk programs?
2. Does anyone know of anyone in the Birmingham area that does TCM? I know Martha Ivey does acupuncture for some of the ART IVF patients, but I don't know if she does all the herbs, etc. 

I'm feeling a little better right now. I guess because I'm stepping back and realizing that this is not the end of the world. But, bless the heart of the little six year old I had when I received the news. That little girl was so tenderhearted towards me as I sat there and cried in front of her. She needs triple stickers next time :)

Fried Chicken + Chicken Foot = Good Day!

So, if you take your umbrella it won't rain. And if you take your bingo card, everyone will act normal :) That's right, folks! Only one mark per card on the infertility bingo at the family reunion! The food was great and the company was as well. I actually knew more people than I thought I would! Good times :)
After that, I took a three hour nap and got ready for fun with the Brown's. We learned a new domino game called "Chickenfoot" which was super fun. Here's my "foot" during the only game I won....

We still have not heard from ART about the shared risk program. I really thought we would hear something by now! Hopefully, they discussed us at the board meeting on Thursday because I don't think I could wait until next Friday to know something! 
I hope you all have a great Sunday!

Soapbox

Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox for a moment.....here it goes. If I ate a Guthrie's box for every meal and got super fat: my insurance would cover for me to have bariatric surgery. If I smoked a carton a day and got lung cancer: my insurance would cover all my treatments. They would even pay for a wig when I lost my hair. But today, I have a medical diagnosis of hyperprolactinemia and infertility - neither of which I caused - and they will not pay one dime of my medicine. Not a dime. Broken, broken, broken system. Next soapbox - if this IVF process does not work and we pursue adoption: we will go through classes, questions, and visits to hopefully receive a child. Did the 16 year old that got knocked up last night go to classes, answer questions, or have home visits? No. Not fair, not fair, not fair. 
Ok, I'm finished with my tantrum. The notepad my friend Meredith's mom gave me the other day is so true:

(if you can't see it, it says "Of course I have emotional baggage, but at least it's cute and it matches!) I need to stop wallowing, but my appointment today was very emotionally draining. 
Good news: we are on track and everyone was really nice and Dr. Long answered our questions. And I was able to not cry until we got to the car.
Bad news: we may not qualify for the shared risk program because of ONE slightly high FSH level back in January (which by the way was rechecked a week later and was fine). I don't know when we will find out. Also, I have to do birth control for 21 more days after my cycle starts. aaahhhh! Come on, already! And of course my lovely insurance does not cover meds so I've been doing some research. Did you know that the cheapest price for Menopur 75 that I've found in the states is $66 a vial and that in the UK it is $37.75??  If anyone has any suggestions on which pharmacy I need to use, please leave it in the comments or email me :)
Ok, sorry for the ranting post. Please pray for our acceptance into shared risk. I had such a peace about IVF going into this appointment and now I feel like I'm in a tailspin. I know this post looks weird in contrast to yesterday, but I'm just being honest. I know God is in control of this situation. Please leave pharmacy info in the comments and have a good night!

Hold Onto Hope

Lately, I feel like hope has been my theme. With our appointment tomorrow, I have a renewed sense of hope. Before this hit me, I felt like I was going through a period of "how did I get here?". 
I remember one rainy morning coming home from more bad news at the doctor's office with my husband. I looked at him and thought, "How did we get here? How did I go from chasing you on the playground to this? Playing "house" with you in my plastic kitchen to buying our house just for it to remain empty of children? How?" I believe our situation is not the only one that people come to that question. My friend, looking at her child, thinking, "I thought your daddy would love me forever. How did I get here?" Another thinking, "I was supposed to be married by now. How did I get here? " Yet another thinking, "This is not the life I planned. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. How did I get here?" 
The common bond is this: We have all learned that our plan does not always equal God's plan. So, what must we do? Hold onto Hope.

There was an article by that name in the March/April 2010 Stepping Stones by Kat Smith. She said, "We don't have children yet, but I know God has not forgotten us. His plan is on time." How do we hold onto hope for that plan?

In my Sunday School class, we are currently covering the 5th chapter of Romans. As we took apart the 3rd through 5th verses (which I feel like I've read a thousand times), something clicked in me. 
"...We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." 
The Greek word for perseverance there literally means "abide under the load". What kind of load are we abiding under? Mine takes many forms: emotional, financial, and spiritual...but it produces character. The character mentioned here is Christ-likeness. To love under the hardest circumstances, to pray, to seek our Father. And what does God promise from that? HOPE!
"Hope does not disappoint us." Why? Because our sovereign God has a plan. When our teacher moved onto God "pouring out His love into our hearts" he said two words that ring in my ears..."Trust Him"...."Trust Him"...."Trust Him"....

God, thank you for the encouragement in your Word. It says that we must be strong and take heart. Our hope is in your Name and your Name is good. Help me to seek you. You have taught us to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. I pray that I will find rest in you alone and in your unfailing love. You have promised to answer in awesome deeds of righteousness. Renew my strength today as I wait in hope in you.  

To all of you holding onto hope, I leave you with this: 
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Have a wonderful Tuesday and keep us in your prayers. Our appointment is 9:30 Wednesday morning! :)

B-I-N-G-O

As a Speech Therapist that works with kids, we are forever trying to entertain them and make them say their target sounds. This has forced Ashley and I to make Bingo games. Coming up on the 22nd, I have a family reunion to go to in Ashville. Filled with third cousins twice removed, aunt so and so, etc that I have not seen in years. Of course, I am a weirdo because I'm over 30 and have been married for 7 years, so you know what they are going to ask.  

SO..... Ashley and I made up some Bingo cards (notice they are different so there is a winner...) to go along with the questions that will be asked. I guess we will keep them in our pockets and whip them out after Uncle So and So asks me the expected "So, do you have any kids?" What should we get as a prize? Enjoy and feel free to copy for the upcoming holidays, reunions, showers, etc you  that you know are coming up! :)

PS: We also made one for single people...Happy Friday!

Doctor Day Turned Shopping Day

My appointment with Dr. Long went very well today. He said my incision sites look good and all the stuff (polyps, cysts, endometriosis, appendix) they took out was benign and fine. We go back next Wednesday to do the IVF checklist and talk to the financial folks (ew!) So, we are on track. When I met with the nurse, I asked when I would start the medicine (AF won't come until I stop the Megace in two weeks). She said, "Well, when you come in for your baseline, you will start birth control for a month to start the suppression...." I totally interrupted with a "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa....I've BEEN suppressing with birth control for MONTHS!"  She took it back....fast :) So, if everything goes perfectly (good stims, good lining, good embryos....) We are looking at a pregnancy test around the 3rd week of July. 
That seems SO far away!
After my appointment, I got to hang out with my friend Alyson in the waiting room until she got called back and then I was off to the mall. No pressure with time, no where to be :) So that equals about 2 hours at Forever21. My favorite purchase was this dress that can be worn as a dress or skirt (crappy picture by phone..colors are much brighter):

And the other was this "statement necklace" at Lotus: 

Fun, huh?

Other great news, my friend Stephen got into nursing school today!!

YEA! So, we are off to dinner to celebrate! Have a great evening!

Peace of Mind

So, I ended up staying home from church on Sunday. Shame on me, because I missed a great start to our pastor's new sermon series on Genesis. Thank you to all my friends that were so sweet to take time out of their Mother's Day to check on me. You are so sweet! We went to the in-laws for lunch and then my Mommy and I went shopping. We packed it up and got out of town :) We also stopped at my Oma's to visit. Her dog, Tippy, is so funny! Every time I got the camera out he stopped and posed for me! Here are some pics...

(This is my Mom's cat, Madison. She never gets any blog space!)

If you know me well, you know I love to go "junkin" and at an estate sale a few months ago I picked up this little purple book called "Meditations" by Crowell. It is a woman's devotional book from 1951. All of my bible studies have ended, so I thought I would take a look. At first, I thought "what would a 1950's woman have in common with me?". The more I read, the more in common I found. You all know I love the old school poetry and in light of my doctor's appointment I decided to post her poem entitled "Peace of Mind"...

I prayed for peace, and God delayed

The answer to the prayer I had prayed.

I thought it something He would share

From His great store, and so my prayer

Went daily up that I might know

The singing joy, the warmth, the glow

Of peace that someway I had lost.

But now I know we pay the cost

For everything that we hold dear.

I read God's Word, and it is clear

That peace comes only when the heart

Is stayed on Him. The staying part

Must be my own, and I must cease

My doubts and fears, then perfect peace

Is promised. Dear God, help me stay

My wayward heart on thee today. 

I pray for peace of mind tonight that whatever Dr. Long tells me I can accept as part of the big plan for our lives. Have a great Monday night!
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have PEACE. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Yard Sale and Mother's Day

This weekend has been wild already! The Yard Sale was an exhausting success. Friday night, I went to work at Paint The Town while my buddies were working tirelessly as my house to prepare everything (by the working, I mean YOU girls :) I came home to a packed garage and overflowing driveway as seen below. 

This morning, our friends were here at 5:30 and the dragging out started. We consumed 4 pots of coffee and got it going! Wrapped it up around 12:30 and packed it up for various charities. Whew! It was a madhouse! Thanks for all your hard work, friends! Look, my house looked like "trade day"....

The boys look like they are working hard, don't they...

I'm kind of mopey tonight. Not only exhausted from lack of sleep, but just trying to process tomorrow. As any "infertile myrtle" knows, Mother's Day is our hardest day of the year. I'm still trying to decide if I want to brave church tomorrow. I love my church, but I'm not sure if my heart can take a sermon referring to motherhood as God's greatest gift. It is a gift, hopefully one that I will one day receive, but it is ONE of God's gifts. Not THE gift. I know that my greatest gift is my salvation. I know that Christ is enough, but it doesn't take the hurt away sometimes. 

I want to wish my Mommy a very happy Mother's Day. Mom, I love you so much. Thank you for all you do and I still want to be just like you when I grow up :) I know my Mom will have a tough Mother's Day because we lost my MawMaw several years ago.

I miss her so much. Also, my sweet sister won't be here. I miss you, Jennaboo! Something else that has been weighing on my heart is this: I had a thought last night. My early miscarriage last August, if it would have been a successful pregnancy, could have meant that this would have been my first Mother's Day. It's really hard for me to wrap my mind around that. Am I a mom because I was pregnant for 3 days? Or do you become a mom when you hold your child in your arms? I guess I'll just consider myself a mommy-in-waiting. I may not hold a baby in my arms one day. It may be an adopted toddler :) But, in my heart, I'm a mommy. 
I didn't do a very good job acknowledging Infertility Week last week, but others did. Please check out this wonderful video. To all my blogger friends: May you feel a peace that transcends all understanding. You are all in my prayers this weekend and always. 

Random Thursday

I have been the worst blogger :( Ok, here's my week in bullet points...

• Katie got a Kitty....
  
  Who I am referring to as Cat Stephens (since that's her last name). This poor baby is 3 weeks old and discovered outside of the flower shop. Tucker (Katie's Bichon Frise furbaby) LOVES her
  
  and is helping taking good care of her. She has to be bottle fed for 3 more weeks.
  
  I love her! (Sorry the pics are bad, I took them with my phone...)

• We are having trees cut in our yard.
  
  Maybe we can have grass now! Here's my cat's view of it.
  
• The Eight Family Yard Sale is at our house this weekend. I'm almost finished tagging. It's time to make some money! 
• My friend Ashley's husband starts a new job on Monday! Yea, Dustin!!
• We paint Mother and Child tomorrow night at Paint The Town.
  
  Woo hoo! Ok, that's it.

On the fertility front: I go next Tuesday to ART to find out what the "plan" will be. I'm excited to find out, but am really enjoying not being on any hormones right now ;)

Sad day today for some of the blogs that I read...Today is the year anniversary of Courtney and Andrea losing their babies. Please keep these families in your prayers!