Time to Heal...

I'm sorry I've been absent from the blog world, but I was trying to work some things out in my head before I put fingers to keyboard ;) After reading the words of Lisa, A, Denifay, and MyInfertilityWoes, I gained the confidence to write about what I've been feeling this week. So sorry....it's going to be long. 

I'm sad. I hit this wall as my poor husband received 3 pregnancy announcements from our close friends in under 72 hours. They go to him. He is the buffer. They tell him...he tells me. We've been on this journey for three years. We've seen doors open (receiving the money from Oma to pay our home study) and slam shut (getting rejected from the shared risk program). We've watched our friends conceive, give birth, and conceive again. Life has gone on and we realize that the world has not stopped spinning just because we cannot get pregnant. We have learned A LOT! We have learned patience, trust, and grown closer to each other and to God. BUT...we are tired. 

We are tired of talking about it. We are tired of bringing our crap to small group every week. We are tired of being an encouragement to others. I'm grateful to have such sweet, compassionate friends, but I'm afraid they think that I am now made of glass. We are tired of waiting and of trying SO HARD to be eternally minded and not short sighted about why we are here on this earth...and newsflash: it's not for me to procreate. 

I echo the words of my blogger friend Lisa: "some days I just wish I had no filter and could tell people what I really think. I wish I could respond to people’s Facebook status’s or comments in the way that I really feel. I wish I could tell some people to shut up. I wish there was a way to make them really understand what we are going through. But that is just evil fleshy Lisa. I NEVER would REALLY want someone to experience the pain we have. I just want them to understand."  

I echo the words of A about talking to friends and not want to say: " (i) feel lame and bleak and unimportant compared to them.  i mean, it is hard on the soul and mind to admit that outright.  and everyone says of course that's not true, but it is how i FEEL.  because it doesn't really help me if i tell you i'm feeling isolated, and you say, "you're not isolated!" because that doesn't address that i am still feeling that way."

I echo the words of Denifay:  "We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!"

I echo the words of  MyInfertilityWoes: "why can't I just enjoy this journey of life instead of thinking that children is our destination?"

My husband asked me if it brings me comfort to read those words and it does. I am so blessed to have you girls to comfort, encourage, and pray for me. I'm not alone in this. I know that. But, sometimes I feel the urge to go hide somewhere. Or to run...and if you know me, I am NOT a runner ;) I seem to be surviving on a day to day basis. And I know that I've got to stop looking through a microscope when examining this part of my life. My email from Sarah's Laughter today said this...

"Don’t look at your life in snapshots.  If you had to give a synopsis of a movie after looking at individual frames from the movie reel, you simply couldn’t get as clear an understanding as you would if someone put the movie into a projector and allowed you to watch the thousands of individual frames coming together to create a two hour movie being projected onto a screen.  If you only saw an individual frame from the movie, you’d probably have a much different understanding than you would if you were able to view the entire film. 

If you pulled one verse from Joseph’s life--So Joseph’s master took him and put him into the jail, the place where the king’s prisoners were confined; and he was there in the jail. (Genesis 39:20)--you may think God had abandoned him and didn’t love him anymore.  If you read the entire account of Joseph’s life, you’ll see that God was strategically positioning him in that prison so He could raise him to a position of power and authority later in his life.  Infertility is a season in your life--one snapshot.  If you were able to view the entirety of your life, you may have a much different view than you do on the days when it seems that God isn’t working or moving in your life.  If you were able to see your entire life on display, it would take your breath away to see how God has strategically placed infertility in your life so that He can do amazing things with you through this struggle."

That is what I'm struggling with this week. Trying to see the big picture. Asking God, if you have placed this desire in my heart for children: bring me peace to know that you will fulfill it and take the hurt away. If it is NOT in your will that we have children: take the desire away. I pray to not be prideful or selfish. To have a humble heart,compassion towards others, and not be a jealous person. I am broken. I take comfort in some words that the email also reminded me of...this is what I cling to: 

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Psalm 56:8

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3  I go to God today with a broken heart: for me, for Daniel, for my blogger friends, and for this broken world. I have a crushed spirit right now and pray for God to heal my broken heart with the peace that only comes from Him.   The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:19