Getting Back on the Wagon...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've still been reading everyone else's blogs, but have not updated my own! I've had writer's block since Friday. My small group girls walked in last night with me staring at a blank screen. I didn't know how to put into words the emotions I have right now. 

My appointment Friday morning did not go well. Thankfully (even though it's tax season!), My husband was able to go with me. Which is a good, because he could drive me home. I don't do well drivin' and cryin'! For an hour we were able to hash out what we heard. 1. My endometriomas have grown = they could be doing damage to my ovaries. 2. The lining of my uterus was three times the thickness it should be = nothing could implant. 3. My pain is back = endometriosis is growing like kudzu. 

We have come to a fork in the road. My body is getting gunked up so fast with these drugs that I only have a few chances to conceive. So, the nurse practitioner suggested what we dread...IVF. She said that my best chances would be immediately after the surgery. 

I'm so tired. My husband looked at me last month and said, "You want to want to quit so bad." It has been 30 months. 2 1/2 years. 30 "No's" He pointed out to me why we've been so hesitant regarding IVF: If it fails, that will feel like the ultimate "no" for a biological child. No..You may never carry a child. No...You may never see your husband's blue eyes in your child looking back at you. No...You may never have stories of morning sickness or of the first time you felt your baby move inside of you. It would be the biggest NO we've ever received. 

My surgery to remove all my possible endometriosis,  polyps, and cysts will be on April 27th. One month from today. I will be on birth control pills until then. We have decisions to pray over and to make, but I believe we are both leaning towards the IVF. We would have no regrets. We tried it all. We gave it our best shot. 

BUT, if IVF fails, THEN God will show Himself to be sufficient. Isn't that what He promised? I can no longer feel responsible for the "how." As I learned last night in my Bible study, It's hard being an infertile woman, but it is TRUST that turns it around. The Lord knows how our story will end and He is sustaining us through the wait. 

What is waiting? Is is just passing the time? No, waiting includes a longing. Isaiah 30:18 says "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." The word "longs" and the word "wait" are technically the same word. The English Standard Version says, "The Lord waits.....blessed are those who wait." God is waiting, too. Beth Moore said last night that "God patience always involves His Passion." How do you balance passion with patience? I believe that God has a plan and I have got to keep my eyes open to know what we need to do this month. Now just in regards to IVF, but why am I here this month?

So, I will wait and God will sustain me. The Lord longs for us. Not just for our wait to end and our destiny to be fulfilled, but He longs for a relationship with His children. So, here's a question for you? Are you waiting? Not just for a child, but are you waiting on something? Well, God is waiting, too. He seeks your heart and longs for His children to know Him more. My husband is studying Romans right now and I asked him last night, "Why do we pray for God's will to be done? It's God, of course it will be done." So, we decided that this month we will pray "God let my heart be content if your will is not the same as my will... as your will is done." 

I pray that I will have patience with passion this month. That I can daily give this burden to God and try to seek His heart and be reminded every day that He is enough...He is enough...He is enough...